| *Get
your child's vision professionally tested by age 1 to prevent difficulties
later. Children may seem to have good vision but getting them tested
early is important so problems can be corrected and the brain can
use the eyes properly. Don't wait! Trust me.
A sense
of safety and security is the most important factor in the emotional
health of our children. Always keep this in the front of your mind
when parenting. As you do this program ask yourself how you are
creating a sense of emotional and physical safety for your child.
All children will flourish if they do not have to be worried all
the time. This starts right from birth and is crucial in the first
two years.
Parenting
Skills Self-assessment: goal is to answer yes to as many of the
questions as possible.
1.
Do you comment on your child's behavior rather than the person?
ie. avoid "bad girl/boy". Remember the power of your words.
You are hypnotizing your children all the time so you want to make
sure you are giving them positive, encouraging messages. If you
tell them what "they are" often enough they will likely
"become" that.
2. Do you allow your children to express their feelings even
if you don't agree with them? Never tell your child they should
not feel the way they do. Whether their feeling is appropriate in
your eyes or not is not the issue. Approach it with non-judgemental
curiosity and you will get more out of them. Then you can help them
with the feeling rather than getting them to never tell you anything.
3. Do you never call your children names when you
are angry with them? This is true for any relationship, but children
are especially sensitive to name calling. Use "I" messages
and show them how to effectively express their anger, and remember
step 1 above. See the section on Anger
if you need help with this.
4. Do you treat your children as if they have the same rights
as you? While you are the rule setter for your house, you have to
remember that they are also people, and feel very helpless about
their life. They have the same emotional rights as you in terms
of respect, dignity, feelings of worth. They need to know that there
views are important, and they have the right to not like what you
are doing too. See the section on Self
Esteem.
5. Do you give your children choices when you want them to
do something? You can still call the shots, but a dictatorial you
have to do what I tell you does not work well. Give them choices
about how and perhaps when they must do what you are asking. Make
them feel like they have a choice even if all the choices are aimed
at getting them to do what you want. A very simple example is "Do
you want to put your coat on or should I?"
6. Do you set limits in a fair but firm manner? You are the
boss and need to keep your child safe. Be fair about limits you
set, don't just set them because you are angry. Question whether
the limit is really necessary and worth a power struggle. Also question
whether you are just doing what you saw when you were a child. Some
of the parenting we got did not make sense, but we tend to repeat
it anyway. Let your child know you mean it when you set the limit,
so make sure you are commited to it.
7. Are you able to manage your own emotions so that you do
not take them out on your child? Always try to make sure you are
not reacting out of your own emotions, especially anger. I know
this is difficult at times, but you can be a great model by showing
your children how to sooth yourself and manage your feelings so
you are not always reacting emotionally.
8. Do you teach and model how you want them to be rather
than just tell them? Don't be hypocrite. Don't do the things you
are telling them not to.
9. Do you have an openly loving and respectful relationship
with the other parent? Research has shown that a loving relationship
between parents builds a strong sense of confidence and security
in children. Even if you are not with the other parent, this can
be done, by behaving like adults and taking responsibility for how
you affect your children. Don't be selfish with this because it
is so important. Learn to get along with the other parent, and never
put them down in front of your children.
10. Do you let your children know that they are capable of
anything they set their mind to, even if it is not your first choice
for them? Children are not our projects and we do not own them.
They need to have minds and interests of their own. Knowing that
you support them in their non-harmful choices builds a sense of
safety especially in the teen years, when they are trying to figure
out what to do with their lives. Let them know there are no mistakes,
only learning, and don't do the "I told you so" routine.
They will stop trying if you do.
Click
Here for more information on parenting children at different
stages of development.
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